On the morning of 18th August, I got invited at short notice into a 1:1 meeting by my manager, which was unusual. I think I knew what was coming, and I was right: The company is restructuring, and I’m being let go (among a lot of other people). I had time until lunch to say my goodbyes to my colleagues as I would be logged out of my account after that. Because I was still in my six-month probation period, I was put on paid leave for two more weeks; after that I’d be out of a job for the first time since I started working roughly 10 years ago.
I’ve seen it happen to other people and entire departments, but it had never happened to me — I guess I’m a real tech worker now!
getting sick & autoimmune trouble
Shortly after, I got sick. I believe it was a Covid infection; I didn’t have any respiratory symptoms, but low energy, joint pain and general feelings of stiffness. Every move was a show of strength. I developed a cough that is now — 2 months later — still subsiding but present.
I’m not sure if it was Covid, but being sick triggered the autoimmune condition I have. I mostly got out of bed, watched shorts, videos and movies, and then I went to bed again. I had to take some trips into the city by bike, and hours later it would hit me like a brick wall, leaving me even more exhausted on the next day. I lost my appetite and some weight, which is not good since I rarely moved and I’m fairly lean to begin with.
This state dragged on for three weeks until I went to see a specialist and got all the blood work and tests done, so that my medication could get adjusted. Being sick for a couple of days is something I can bear, but not being able to perform even the smallest tasks for such a long time was a disheartening experience.
I was put on cortisone treatment, which relieved my symptoms immediately. Cortisone essentially lowers your body’s immune response — which is great when your body tries to defend itself against itself, like mine did. On the other hand, cortisone is not meant for long-term or permanent treatment, and it has a lot of potential side effects.
cortisone mania
After one or two days, I was back to my normal self, energised, vital, with no signs of inflammation. I now fully realised that I was out of a job, and had the chance to fill my time meaningfully. Job searching doesn’t take up your 16 waking hours.
In some phases of my life, I can take a giant step back, and look at it like from a bird’s eye view. I’m approaching 30, but how will I live when I’m 40, 50, 60, 70 years of age? Will I be healthy? Will I still pursue my hobbies? Will I have children, or grandchildren even? Who will be close to me? I can’t force my fate, but I can make conscious decisions every day to aid this transition. I felt mindful, present in the moment, and free. Lucid.
So I researched a sleep routine. Cleaned the entire apartment. Discarded useless stuff. Created lists and overviews. Organised. Shopping lists. Meal plans. Jotted down recipes. Fixed broken things. Impulse-bought some personal items for my living room.
I addressed tiny things that stuck out to me more than once, like a mark on the wall that I painted over, or re-seasoning my cast-iron pan since it was in a bad state. Every time I looked at these, I felt remorse or the need to do them, but never followed through.
I did all of this, and it felt incredible. Focusing on something, and realising it (as in putting it into reality). Self-efficacy. While I can’t vouch for the movie, it surely felt like this scene from Limitless.
side effects
I didn’t realise right away, but I was feeling strong signs of restlessness. My heart felt like it was racing, even though I wasn’t doing anything exhausting. I couldn’t sit still for an extended time. My mind was jumping from thought to thought. I felt like a wound-up toy, manic. I used this frenzy to tackle all the chores and tasks and projects and minuscule things, and yet I still kind of liked it. 110% productivity.
Other side effects I noticed: My face swelled up a bit, making it look more full (which looks good on me tho). My knee joints feel weird. My sleep is basically broken: I go to bed at 23:00–00:00 every day, and try to wake up at 8:00. The routine is there, but falling asleep actually takes some time, and I usually wake up at 5:00 or 6:00, completely awake. Not necessarily fully rested, but not sleepy anymore.
outlook
Right now, I feel healthy and great. As I’m tapering off the cortisone, the side effects will cease, but all the work I put into improving my daily life will still be there.
Maybe this post can inspire you to take a step back from your own life, and assess your priorities. I can rarely get into this mindset, but when I do, it makes me feel serene, in control. Every day life can get to you in so many ways.